Obsessive Love Addiction
An obsessive love addiction is a serious problem which can derail a life. Read on to know about love of the extreme kind and what one can do to recover or help someone recover from such an addiction.
"A mind can make hell out of a heaven and heaven out of a hell" - John Milton
Obsessive love addiction is a grave problem, that can plague a mind and destroy a person. As John Milton, has said, a mind is its own place. When it loses balance, it can go into a self destruct mode, hurting a lot of people in the process. It is one such kind of imbalance, which can drive a person crazy, plunging him into the depths of depression and irrationality. It can turn something as sublime as love, into an irrepressible desire to own and conquer a person. It is a vicious irrational desire, which can only end in total annihilation, if not treated early. In psychological terminology, an obsessive love addiction can be classified as an obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD).
Nature of an Obsessive Love Addiction
What is love? If you ask me, it's a tender feeling, which is a combination of adoration, attraction, affection, mutual respect, intimacy, sharing of core values, caring and camaraderie, that you have for a special person in your life. Everyone of us wants to be loved. Some are lucky to love someone and be reciprocated back with love, while some are unfortunate to be not. There are some who find love and lose it. In either case, there is a possibility, that the rejected one or the person who has been dumped from a relationship, may never recover from the depression and anger that follows.
When feelings are not reciprocated in love, life can be tough for a while and that is but natural. How people react to rejection in love, speaks a lot about them. This is the point where a man or woman is tested. A person could let go or he could keep holding on. This is the point where love can transform, into an obsessive addiction, when one decides not to let go.
That is also the point where it ceases to be love. It transforms into an irrational desire to own that person at all costs. An obsessive love addiction is the result of an ego being hurt and not a heart. When ego raises its ugly head, love is replaced by a desire to conquer and possess a person. Then a rejected lover can resort to stalking, violence and cause a lot of trouble. Obsessive love and stalking are always part of the pattern.
The people who are prone to show obsessive behavior in relationships, are the ones who have been deprived of love early on in their life. They are the ones who are vulnerable to an obsessive love disorder. They are usually deprived of the love and care that a person should get in his childhood. They usually turn out to be tough but cynical loners, who hide a soft and insecure mind under a tough exterior. They usually put up a lot of defenses so that nobody is able to invade their soft and emotional side.
When somebody does reach in and get through their defenses, they find the love that they have been deprived of, for so long. They find their world in the person, who is their new found love. What they have gotten after so long, they hold on to, very tightly. That is where the problem of obsessive behavior starts. They become extremely possessive about that person and demand that their partners be with them all the time. They literally smother their partners with love. The partner doesn't get enough of personal space and time. They are exasperated usually, in providing the love of a mother and a lover at the same time. The obsessive lover does not have a life besides them, but the partners may have a life of their own. Slowly, the partner starts feeling suffocated in the relationship and he/she wants to put an end to it. This is because the possessiveness turns it into an abusive relationship at times.
When these obsessive lovers are dumped finally, they cannot get over it, because they do not want to get over it. It is like their world has been taken away and they will fight to get it back. As I mentioned earlier, after that point, it's no longer love. It is just a selfish, irrational desire to conquer a person. This is what leads to an obsessive love addiction. This may not always be the scenario, but in most cases it is.
Symptoms
- Depressed
- Highly manipulative and controlling of others
- Afraid to trust anyone in a relationship
- Existence of a secret "double life"
- Tendency to leave one relationship for another. (Inability to be without a relationship.)
- Attempts to replace lost relationships with a new one immediately
- Using others, sex & relationships to alter mood or relieve emotional pain
- Intense need to control self, others, circumstances
- Insatiable appetite in area of difficulty (sex, love or attachment / need.)
- Refusal to acknowledge existence of problem
- Defining out-of-control behavior as normal
- Hidden pain (i.e. abuse, neglect, separation, anxieties)
Ten Stages Of Love Addiction
1. Obsession. The individual is consumed by thoughts of romantic intrigue. The mind seems to whir away of its own accord, devises plots and plans to obtain the romantic high. Concentration is shattered, judgment impaired. Obsession begins the cycle that drives the individual to the next phase and beginnings the cycle that drives the individual to the next phase and intensifies as the process plays itself out.
An episode of obsessive thinking can be triggered by almost anything: meeting an attractive person; passing someone on the street; seeing a picture on a billboard; experiencing an emotional low point of self-pity or depression; even passing through a location where the obsession was triggered on a prior occasion. The very promises that the addict makes to avoid triggering the obsession can themselves serve as a trigger. It is truly a no-win situation.
2. The Hunt. The individual is driven to follow through on the obsession. Inevitably he begins to seek out something or someone that will satisfy that drive. If his object of choice is another person, he may cruise the singles’ bars. If he is hooked primarily on novels or movies, he will often go through rather elaborate rituals of selecting “just the right book” or video, setting the scene with music and dim lighting, and so on.
The stronger the obsession, the more diligent the hunt. This is another point at which interference with normal life becomes noticeable if it results in time away from work or home responsibilities. Only one of two things will stop the hunt: finding the object being sought; or being caught looking.
3. Recruitment. When the object of the hunt is something inanimate, like a book or movie, recruitment is as simple as a business transaction: buy the book or rent the video. When the object is another person, however, the recruitment phase is far more complex. Romance addicts become remarkably skillful at enlisting other people to play the necessary role to complete their romantic fantasy.
4. Gratification. Gratification occurs when the addict succeeds, by whatever means, at realizing her romantic fantasy. The book, the soap opera, the movie “does the trick.” Or the combination of soft music and candlelight enables her to play out a technicolor romantic dream in her mind. Or another person is found who responds positively to her advances. The “itch” has been scratched, at least for the moment.
5. Return to Normal. The immediate effect of gratification is a break in the obsessive thinking – and from the pain that fueled it – and a return to what feels like “normal” for a little while. The adrenalin rush recedes, the mind seems to clear. The addict feels peaceful.If it were possible to remain in this state, all might be well. But no one can remain in a state of perpetual bliss and freedom from stress. Inevitable, the pressures of real life build up again, and something triggers a new round of obsession, hunt, recruitment, and gratification.
6. Justification. The very fact of having “resolved” these problems by resorting to romantic fantasy or acting out frequently brings its own feelings of guilt and remorse. The addict then begins to justify his behavior. He convinces himself that what he did “wasn’t so bad,” that “everyone does it,” that it was “normal,” or at least “understandable” for someone with his unique circumstances and special needs. His self-talk sounds like this: “But I needed it. I deserved it. Besides, I really had no choice. It’s just the way I am. I was only doing what comes naturally to me.”In this phase particularly, the addict rationalizes what he has done to the victim. Even if the gratification involved another living, breathing, feeling human being, he depersonalizes the entire episode. Inn his mind the other person was not a “real” person at all, just a component in the staging of a complex romantic drama.
7. Blame. Most addicts cannot successfully rationalize their behavior without blaming someone for it. The addict will blame his parents, his spouse, someone from his past who has let him down, and lay his underlying pain at their feet. Fundamentally, he refuses to take responsibility for his own situation, but blames others for “driving” him to make the choices he makes.
8. Shame. But justifying and blame-shifting only go so far. Invariably the addict carries a residual awareness of what he has done – and of what his actions say about what kind of person he must be. Inevitably that awareness comes to the surface in the form of guilt over what he has done and shame over who he really is.The very nature of shame is that it be repressed, “stuffed” deep inside his mind and heart, rather than brought into the light and dealt with. Thus are sown deep seeds of self-loathing – seeds that will eventually give birth to the pain that launches the whole cycle all over again.
9. Despair. The experience of careening from high excitement at the outset of the cycle to shame and guilt at its conclusion, and the awareness that the cycle is unstoppable, produces hopelessness. When the fix is off, the addict’s whole world comes crashing down. The sense of pain or emptiness that originally fueled the addictive behavior is nothing compared to the agonies of depression and despair. And those agonies get worse with every trip through the cycle.
10. Promises. Because the pain is so great, the addict swears “never to do it again.” He will be different. He will thing differently. He will live a new life. He will never go to “those places” or read “those books” or watch “those programs” again. But the prospect of keeping all these promises – the same ones he has made, and promptly broken, so many times before – only heightens the sense of frustration and adds to the addict’s despair. He knows it is only a matter of time until the obsessive thoughts start t crowd in again and he will be caught in the addictive cycle once more.
Obsessive Love Treatment
Treating such an addiction is possible, if the person afflicted by it, realizes what he or she is doing is wrong and needs help. Help can be found in a good friend or a good counselor, who can bring them back to their senses and put them back on track. However, they can only show you the way. It is you who must realize the futility of the obsession and let go from within. Here are some tips that may help you out. Mental illnesses are more complex than physical disorders. They take time to be treated. Healing a mind is a tough job but it can be done with patience.
Understand What Real Love Is
When you love a person, you want him or her to be happy, with or without you. When you want to possess that person at all costs, despite him or her wanting to end the relationship, it ceases to be love. What follows is pure obsession, which is an outgrowth of 'self-love'. It shouldn't even be referred to as obsessive love, it's purely an obsession. Love can only be experienced, when there is no 'I' or ego involved. It's about giving, without the slightest thought of return. Obsession is a toxic thought that evolves out of a self-centered thinking process. Let go of it, by understanding the true meaning of love.
Introspect
Your mind has gotten into a loop, a recursive flow of thoughts. The more you feed these thoughts, more they grow like a wildfire spreading into your mind, destroying peace. Your happiness lies in freedom from these obsessive thoughts. Strive to achieve emotional independence by focusing on making the best use of the present moment at hand. Live every moment, being mindful of what you are doing and your mind will slowly learn to stop running back into the past. Focus on the present and give it your best. Be patient, don't expect miraculous results, in a few days. Strive every day and mindfully focus on the present moment, making best use of your time.
Give out Love and Be Loved
Obsessive love, like any other addiction is a bad habit that a mind has gotten into. Any obsession ends when you realize the futility of it and take resolute action to prevent it. Realize what true love is. You have got only one shot at life, make the best use of the opportunity.